Having one of those weeks where socializing is difficult unless I’m rambling about things I’m thinking about. I’m trying to avoid. I’m needing to consciously remind myself to do things like check in, ask people about feelings. I’m avoiding eye contact but trying not to. My increased observation of my behavioral and psychological patterns is likely having effects on those patterns and reminding me that objectivity is impossible. Being nice (the actions of polite, considerate) feels hard, which isn’t to say that I want to be mean but that I might accidentally be rude and I have at least once. I’m confused. Thinking about bodies hurts me and makes me feel nauseous. I think being a sex worker allowed for a semi-controlled experience of a loss of boundaries that is really beneficial to me and it’s unfortunate that I could not enjoy it. I want to think and it’s frustrating that I can’t. I’m tripping off of my remembering the idea of no separation between inside/outside. There are too many concepts in my head and it’s slowing me down. I wish I could make this post a poem but if so it would reveal too many of my specificities. Also it’s clumsy. I might be getting sick but I don’t want to. I think I am writing an amazing poem (not this) while many of my friends are also writing amazing poems. I believe I have for a moment let go of my ideas of career, though survival does necessitate that. I want many drugs but I do not wish to experience any ill effects. I feel winded. If I was a straight cis girl nana nananana nanananananananana.